Literature

A right moment that never came;

Best time to celebrate happiness is as it happens

 

Every day I am getting older and worried. I have waited for the right moment to celebrate all my successes in past and it never came. When I was 16, I passed my SLC with good marks and it was a reason for celebration. I thought it was just the start of my career and a step ahead. I waited for my intermediate degree but as soon as I got it, the same thing career stopped me. Again, I waited for undergraduate degree which was a step near to career. After undergrad, one is eligible of good positions in private and government sector and can start a good career. After I received my degree something stroke my mind which was the need to finish master's degree. By this time I was thinking I am right on my way to a successful career ahead and I will have plentiful time to enjoy and have fun. I was delighted that 2 more years of study and everything will be OK. Then to pursue my graduation I went to London. London is one of the cities where you can have all the fun you have ever wanted. Even with minimal income you can enjoy but my mind was controlling me saying, 'boy first finish the degree'. I obeyed and finished degree with good marks. I was working part time and something stroked my mind again. This time I was looking for a permanent job that will match my education. With much thinking, I felt my home country would be a better place to start my career and fulfill all my dreams. I returned Nepal with high hopes of good career and a better life. I finally secured a position in a company with good job position and role.

Now I am in late twenties and since I was 16 I always waited for some other day for amusement and pleasure. Now even if I feel this is the right time as I am sort of settled, two things hit my mind. First, this is not the time to have fun as I am not young any more. Second, I still have more to do for myself and my family. This is once again beginning of career. All my youth I waited and got older. Now when I see youth having fun I always wanted, I envy them. Did I actually waste my youth? The answer is 'may be'.

I never  understood one can have a better career and have fun in life. These two things can go together. I realized that one should celebrate the success at the same time by not waiting for the right moment because the same right moment never comes. The happiness of passing SLC doesn't remain same after intermediate. Best time to celebrate happiness is as it happens. It's always much fun in having fun at the right moment. Looking back I feel I have wasted half of my life with nothing note worthy or different than others. Looking back my precious years, the things of being nothing kills me and the feeling of not having proper career plans ahead kills me even more. Now when I have realized it, I am half way my life. I want to do everything and want to achieve everything all at once. And, undoubtedly it is impossible. Now I am perplexed what I actually want. Now there is nothing for me to purse. Back then, at least I could say I have to study further or I could say I have to finish my degrees. If I could get those bygone days back I could have used it in a different way. Life came very harsh to me because all I wanted was a career and fun. Now I don’t feel like having fun I always wanted and career wise I don’t know what I want. I am like an empty boat in the middle of the ocean, aimless; A boat which is guided by the tide and wind. I don’t have paddle or the compass to guide me. There is equal chance that a strong blow of tide or wind might sallow the boat.  

With the days passing by every day, I am scared that I am getting older. I am worried that my coming half life will be like my passed half. It scares me for not being able to see the silver edges. I am searching for the purpose finally. But I am worried that my search might take other half of my life.